CROSSING THE NONSENSE DIVIDE

Crossing stories

In-between jobs or crossing careers?

At the edge of the divide

Decisions to change are almost always difficult to reach. Change in major aspects of one’s life, such as divorce, moving to a new city, or changing jobs are even more taxing. Thus, my decision to leave a job I had and loved for more than 20 years did not come without a great deal of angst. It took months of consideration to finally hear and listen to my inner voice, which kept telling me, “It’s time to leave. This organization has changed. You have changed. And what you want from your job and from your life is different now. Your answers are not here.”

All that was true and I could acknowledge it intellectually. Emotionally, I was still tied to the firm. Finally, as the indecision became all the more uncomfortable, I appealed to God to help me know the right thing to do. I slept on that request, and woke up knowing it was the time in my life to listen to what I really wanted, and to accept that what I wanted was no longer at my firm. It was indeed time to go.

Jump! But which way?

Go to what? I had no idea, now that I ‘knew’ I must go. Then began the next quagmire of indecision. Friends told me to take some time off. I couldn’t. I felt frantic not to be alone with myself. I longed for busy-ness. Other friends told me to start a consulting business. That seemed too much of a reach—too much of the unknown. Instead, I read the ‘want ads’, looking at the familiar versus the frightening.

I did some part time work for my old firm, and I slowly began setting personal goals to accompany my professional goals. I thought of this in terms which sounded like “with personal goals, perhaps I’ll find a better balance when I move into my next position.” I was still so sure it would be with another employer—the familiar, but with a change of setting and people. As I looked, nothing seemed like it was ‘exactly’ what I was looking for.

Jump interrupted

Just as I almost became a bit discouraged, my world changed again. My father, my friend and longtime advisor, was entering Alzheimer’s mid-stage. His change landed him in the hospital for six weeks. I think of my changes as difficult, but mine was nothing compared to his. His was in a frightening place which he could never understand, and I struggled to see him that way.

I visited him each day, a blessing I could not have known if had I still been working. Each day was different, strange and new—one day he knew me and was playing checkers with me, the next he would hardly acknowledge me, a third day he was mad with me. One time, a very special time, he was his old, pre-Alzheimer self—we laughed, reminisced, and felt those old feelings again.

Thirty minutes later, he died. My world changed again.

At the edge again:

I wasn’t prepared for his death, and didn’t have any sense of what to do. Despite his death being a blessing for him, I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know how to deal with it. People were so kind, but I was alone too much with my thoughts and memories, and the agonies of what I could have done that now would not be done.

When a friend asked me to handle a project for my former employer, I jumped at the chance to go back to the familiar, work with great people, and be fully busy in a very predictable setting. That project lasted six months, and by the end, I was back on stable ground.

Crossing over

Now I knew that leaving my former employer had been the right choice, and that I was finally ready to decide what was next with a clear head. As though by plan, the constant friend who had been encouraging me to become a consultant crossed my path again. Again he suggested consulting, and helped me feel that I could be a success. I talked with another friend, also a consultant, who, from an entirely different perspective, gave me the same sense. I talked to others, all of whom were affirming.

Ultimately, when someone asked me what I was doing, I heard myself saying (out loud) “I’m starting my own business”, a phrase I had never considered uttering before. Furthermore, I felt enough confidence that, although I expected I could be successful, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I were not. I would be okay.

A soft landing (surprise!)

I had finally discovered who I was outside the corporate world, and I knew that, not only did I like that person better, I knew she could do many things. As I reflect on my choice now, I am certain I found the path which is right for me, giving me the freedom to pursue a life in addition to my work. And, step after step I am taking on my personal goals while I build my business.

Now when folks ask me what I am doing, I can honestly tell them, “I am having the best time of my life!”

Julie J
 

 ►next story: Revenge of the family odd-ball

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